Happy 4th!

Don't worry. This isn't some sneaky way of saying that the politically "left" are somehow patriotically backwards.

Or is it?

Just kidding. Go light some fireworks, 'cause here in Texas.... we can't.

Gaston

Bradley joined a local acting company earlier this year. He loved the weekly practices, but he was not very excited about the idea of performing in front of people.

So I lied to him.

I told him that when the time came, if he didn't want to, he wouldn't have to - someone else could fill in for him. Luckily, he didn't call my bluff.

They were putting on a production of Beauty & the Beast. The set was awesome, the costumes were great, and they had live music. It was actually pretty impressive.

Bradley with Mimi L*. She played La Fou - Gaston's little sidekick

What was even more impressive is that I learned something about Bradley. He's much braver than I am. And, that kid can sing! I had no idea he could project like that and stay on pitch. He even carried a vibrato. Proud Mama.

Suprise!

We showed up to the pool on Memorial Day to play with friends when these three found each other.

L to R: Izzy B*, Lindsey M*, & Miss Liv

They were very excited.

Excuse Me While I Discipline Your Child

I was at the park recently when this "adorable" little monster was terrorizing other kids. Let's call him Henry ('cause that's what his mom calls him and I don't feel like protecting the privacy of lunatics). Picture this character as you read. Cynicism brings out the blogger in me.


My repressed thoughts will be in italics for your enjoyment.

Me: Ma'am, your son just punched my child. I will hit him if he does it again. Then I will hit you.
Henry's Dumb Mom: Boys will be boys (with that really stupid grin on her face).

5 minutes later...

Me: Your son is spitting on my daughter and her friends. I'm going to kneel on his chest, reach into his mouth and rip out his salivary glands all while you watch.
Henry's Dumb Mom: Oh, that's just his way of sharing (head tilted watching Henry with unconditional love).

3 minutes later...

Me: Your (obnoxious) child is hitting that adult. You really ought to do something.
Henry's Dumb Mother: (To me:) We don't like to say, "NO" to our son. Of course you don't. (To Henry:) Henry, honey. Stop, please. Should we go to the car? I'm going to count to three. Do you want to go into time out? Really let's stop. One... Two... We'll have to go home. I don't think that nice man likes that. Do you need to sit in the naughty chair? I'll give you a big hug if you can obey me. Show mommy how a big boy listens. One... Two.... Henry, be a good boy. Ooopsies, let's not throw rocks at him. One... Two... Do you want me to tell Daddy? I'm not going to let you have a treat when we get home.

REALLY? MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM ONE MORE WARNING BEFORE I BEAT YOU; THEN HIM!

I have this vision of their future Christmas Card. I can't wait.

Have you ever wanted to deck another parent?

...for becoming a parent? 

Baby Claire

My blog and I were on a trial separation.

It didn't go well.

While we were living apart, I had a baby. 

Good times.

Meet Miss Claire Brighton

She was big. She is beautiful. We had our ups and downs in the beginning, but she sleeps 10 hours at night. I'm that woman other mothers hate. It's such a great feeling.

Once Again... if you want

My last post was October 28th? Really? That's pretty bad considering I was posting every 2-3 days for a while.

Sorry I'm a slacker.

I know New Year Resolutions have already come (and most likely gone), but I'm still getting "contest" quandries.

If you aren't aware of "the contest," you're probably better off and should move on to the next blog. It will consume your life for the next 12 weeks.

Email me for details because rules have changed or at least been tweaked. We'll start in February so let me know ASAP if you're interested.

mickmonkeys[at]gmail[dot]com

If you want a rough idea of how it all began, go here.

Star of the Week

Emmy has decided to be called Amelia this year at school. While it shouldn't be, it's been an interesting challenge for us to call her her given name. She now easily answers to either name, but I dont' know why I have such a hard time calling her Amelia.

A few weeks ago, she was her class' STAR OF THE WEEK. She completed an about-me poster. I thought I'd share my favorite of section of her poster.

Yes, this is an announcement.

The Return of Super Saturday

Only Mormons will truly understand this one...

I was recently put in charge of our monthly Relief Society Meetings. We all like to refer to it as the "calling formerly known as Prince" because the name for this meeting has changed about as many times as his has.

Anyway, I was sadly informed that we could no longer hold Super Saturdays (a day devoted to craft-making) - a beloved, yearly tradition among Relief Society members. This cancellation was because as a world-wide church, we were no longer able to hold meetings where money was requested for any sort of good or service.

I figured it was simply because women lacked cash. So I purchased a VISA card machine and began charging women for the crafts we were doing as they exited the building each Sunday. When the bishop pulled me aside to explain that debt and social pressures was what we were trying to avoid, I looked at him knowingly and said,

"Don't worry, Bish. You can use it for collecting tithing, too."

He didn't think that was very funny.

Oh, Mama!

I opened my garage the other morning and as I walked around the back of my car I saw something that made me scream out some obsenity like, "Jehosephat!"or maybe shorter, ...like with only 4 letters in it.

Geh.

Perfect pre-Halloween post.

Crazy Eyes

They say a person's eyes are a window to the soul.

I don't know who "they" are. But I do know that every picture I see of this woman gives me the creeps. I know Paula Deen (okay - not personally or anything), but I've watched her cooking show and I love that she uses real butter and takes spatula-size samples to tastse. But good grief, every picture I've seen of her lately makes me wonder: are those really tomatoes she's cutting?

 Have you ever been told to "smile with your eyes"? She's told, "show me anger and hatred with your eyes and only smile with your mouth."

I can hear the slashing noises from the movie Psycho.

This month she's on the cover of some magazine. 
I think they just keep getting worse. 

Sid the Science Kid

There's this cartoon on our local PBS. It's supposed to teach kids about science-y things. Let me just break down this cartoon for you:

Sid, the main character has 3 friends at a private/charter school where HE decides and tells the teacher what is going to be learned that day. Problem one.
His teacher, Suzie, has recently lost her job as a lounge singer and subjects her 4 students to her singing at least once a day.
Sid's mother drops him off and has symptoms of a UTI at this point everyday. You typically don't see her again the remainder of the episode. She apparently works 80 hour weeks to support her husband's plaid flannel and suspender needs.
His Grandmother, who is obviously special needs and legally blind (check out the glasses), drives him (who knows how she got a license) home everyday. Seems dangerous, right? It most likely is. What's dangerous is her psychotic laugh. I'm pretty sure she's possessed by hyenas.
His father and little brother are waiting for him at home and, as mentioned above, his dad hasn't discovered belts yet and is currently unemployed due to his alcoholism (you can see the visible symptoms such as the red nose and the yellowed skin from cirrhosis of the liver).

You may wonder why I'm giving this show a hard time. It's the only show my daughter refuses to sit through. Even she, a 3-year old, will watch it shaking her head with an eyebrow raised.

Oh, PBS.

Brace Yourself

If you needed a close-up of B's teeth. Here it is.

 Why is he so dang cute in braces? I find it rather unfair!

When I got braces, well, first of all, I was 18(!). So sad. 

I felt more like this:

First Day Photos

Because every mom subjects her child to the first-day-of-school picture.  I might as well share them.

 

Even if Olivia wasn't going to school that day, she still wanted to be involved. 

Always.

I'm not sure who began the whole foot-on-the-stone pose. 

It cracks me up.

Jalapenos Be GROWIN'!

Emmy, Eli and I planted jalapenos in June when we went to the Ranch. 

They're actually surviving!

Bug Bites

I have 18 mosquito bite on my right calf (that's what you get for watering your flowers at 9pm).

That doesn't count the 5 on my left leg and the three ant bites that are in an unmentionable place from sitting on a towel full of them while in my bathing suit.

I wonder if someone caught my reaction on tape. It would be pretty classic.

Left Out

I was at the pool the other day when a bunch of end-of-school-year parties were taking place. I overheard a mother tell all three of her children that they couldn't have one of the treats brought by another parent because they had peanut butter in them. One of her kid's had an allergy.

"You can't have any," she said to them. "John will feel left out if you all eat some since he can't."

I see her point of view....I guess.

Because of him, they all get to experience "character building" along with their brother. If he were a quadriplegic, would she make them all take elevators and not participate in sports?

Any takers on this topic?

Beloved Duties

My AC adaptor on my Mac fried a few days ago so I'm stuck blogging without pictures - not to mention I have to use this PC (my fingers get hives when I use it).

A week ago I realized I've been in my calling longer than anyone else in the ward (except the Bishop). It's been a little over 3 years. Don't get me wrong, I adore my job... it was just something I noticed.

I mentioned this to someone who has my same job in a different ward (congregation) and she chuckled. She told me she's been doing it for seven years.

What?!

Neighborhood Bully

I need some advice.

We have neighbors that have two cats. One stays inside their home (I've never actually seen it), and the other [collar-less one] stays out; stays out to pick up diseases that cause it to have bald spots, eat squirrel food left out by our elderly neighbors, jump into your car if the doors open, but most despicable: to poop in my yard.

I have even found it in my house.... walking out of my BEDROOM!

I hate this cat.

A lot.

Here is my problem: WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT?

I've already asked someone at animal control. They've said they're low-staffed so they only come out on dangerous/serious animal cases. She told me I could catch it and bring it in myself, but I'd rather not touch the thing. I spent 3 hours cleaning my room after "the incident".  After all, I'm allergic.

Do I go over and explain that I think it's unfair that we all have to deal with getting ringworm (yes, some kid on the street got ringworm last year) from their cat because they don't keep it inside? That I'm growing weary of flinging cat poop over the fence at their house? This conversation would seem like the neighborly thing to do.

The problem with this scenario is that they both work and I'm afraid they aren't going to do anything about the cat then things will get really awkward because

I'm going to have to kill it, 
(because I will) 
and then they'll know who did it.

Block parties just won't be the same after that.

So I ask you: What would you do?

Now, what if I told you it ate one of my little birds?

Here's a question: Would it change your opinion if it were a dog?

Tweet

We've had some friends move in with us. They're loud and smelly.

See these vents?

The one on the left is for my dryer. The one on the right is the stove's vent. (Should I clarify that they're not in the same room?). They seem to both have a cover, but the one on the right seems propped open somehow.

LEFT VENT

RIGHT VENT

We could tell birds had moved in about two months ago. We thought we'd eventually get to it (secretly hoping they'd just move out), but then about three weeks ago we heard lots of little chirping.

Eggs had hatched.

Again we hoped that they'd just find a new home until Friday when the chirping got really, really loud. I felt like an aviary was in the middle of our house. A loud aviary with a hundred hungry chirping beaks.

To fully understand this, our microwave is above our stove so the duct work is in a cupboard above the microwave. I decided to be neighborly and bang on the metal duct work and yell something like, "keep it down in there!", but I saw this....

(Those are feathers!...IN MY CUPBOARD!!!)

When I stopped hyperventilating, I texted Steven these three seperate messages:

1) The birds are IN THE HOUSE! (I wanted it to relay the same feeling as "the call is coming from inside the house"...it didn't work.)

(No response from Steven -- I gave him a full 30 seconds to respond, too!)

2) What the H am I supposed to do?!

(Still no response. It had been at least 1 min 17 sec)

3) STOP LAUGHING!

('Cause I just knew....Jerk.)

He FINALLY called (2 minutes later!) and asked me if I knew what kind of bird it was? was it the mama or the babies? were they trying to get out? Since I had only seen a bit of feathers and hadn't dared open the cupboard entirely, I took my best guess and said I thought it might be an dark gray albatross (those exist right?) or a near relation of godzilla.

When he stopped laugh/crying he told me to just wait until he got home and he'd take care of it. Here's is the rest of the story in pictures.









Steven thought the birds might get out of the box (or worse, a cat might get in). He sort of looked at me expectantly and I said, "It's not like I have a birdhouse!"

He looked at me like I was insane and calmly said, "uh, you have 5 in the living room."

Oh ya.
This is a bad picture, but if you look close you can see Mama bird bringing her little ones food still.

Remember Harry and Moses?

Remember my adorable wreathe nest?

Remember Charlotte?

I'm sure there have been more, but this has been the smelliest, raucous bunch of wildlife we've ever been forced to adopt.

Really smelly.

North Carolina

Steven and I got away for our 10 year anniversary which doesn't actually happen until October (let's hope we can make it that long, right?).

Let me start by saying it had just snowed the previous week. Everything was still dead and gray from a long winter and all we could say was how beautiful North Carolina was. We could totally live there.

Well, not here of course. This is the Biltmore in Asheville. The largest private home in America. It was finished in 1905 by the Vanderbilt family. It's the same house in the movie Richie Rich. There are 4 acres of house there...they didn't even bother telling us the square footage.

The grounds were just as impressive with a farm, winery, and miles of hiking, rivers and ponds.

We made friends at the farm on located on the grounds.

We did a lot of hiking while we were in North Carolina.
This is one of the many trails we were on.

We were able to stay with Chris and Jenny J* (congrats on the new baby!). My one huge regret from the trip was not taking any pictures when we together!

Thanks to Mama and Papa Mick!
We couldn't have gone if it weren't for you.